Demetri Martin Binge

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, “Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?” And he said, “Okay” and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part, but given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius."

I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”

I like to do crafts. I work quite a bit with glitter, but don’t worry I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, prepare to have it on you forever because glitter doesn’t go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? “Man.” “See front.” I think they’re just really redundant. “Thank you” and you open it “Thank you.” Tell me something I don’t know, ya know.

If i ever have to go up in a building I choose the elevator over the escalator, because one time i was riding the escalator and I tripped and fell down the stairs... for an hour and a half.

I think statues are wonderful. It shows what great people would look like if birds shit all over them.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
"What are these?"
"Those are orange.. oranges."
"What about these?"
"Oh shit ... long pointies?"

If anybody asks you the question 'Are you ticklish?' it doesn't matter whether you say yes or no, they're going to touch you. If they say 'Are you ticklish' and you don't want to be touched you have to say something like "I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you're gonna make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish"

I noticed there are no B batteries, goes right from A to C. I think that's to avoid confusion. If there were B batteries we wouldn't know if somebody wanted them or just had a stutter. 'Can I help you?
'Yeah I would like some B batteries'
'Sure what kind?'
'B batteries'
'Sure what kind?'
'B BATTERIES damn it, I said it three times!'

If you want to sound like a creep just add the word 'ladies' to the end of things that you say. It could be harmless too, like, "Thanks for coming to my show.. ladies" "Help I've fallen into a well and I can't get out! ..Ladies. Only the ladies, come on, it's like a jacuzzi with really high walls."

Cottonballs is can example of something I would buy but not want to have as a nickname. 'this is my friend Leo and Eric and over here is Cottonballs". Cinnamon buns on the other hand, yeah I would buy those and have it as a nickname.
"Excuse me, are you Cinnamon buns?"
"Bet your sweet ass I am"

When they were naming the vitamins they must've thought that there were way more vitamins than there ended up being. They were like
"Ok lets start at the top, vitamin A"
"Keep going"
"vitamin B"
"Ok slow down, we've got a lot to cover"
"B2. B3. B4, B5, B6, B12"
Then they got to E and they were like
"aw crap. We're pretty much done. We got all those B's. Let's skip to K and get the hell out of here"

These are new pyjamas. They have pockets. Which is great because before that, I used to have to hold things when I slept.

When I wake up in the morning I have to check my outfit to see if everything's ok. Like if I wake up with pyjamas on, I think 'Cool, I planned this.'
When I wake up naked, first I have to check my surroundings. Like, "I'm naked, ok, she's pretty cute... what's he doing here?"











Always cheers me up! Genius.