Breathe

You know after something happens and you're like "DANG I shouldve said this" and after it's over you finally think of all the things you want to say and wish you had? Like that episode of The Simpsons with the crazy babysitter Becky and Marge thought only afterwards to say "SHUT UP, BECKY!"

Yeah, totally going through that right now. But instead of a crazy babysitter, I was dumped by a guy who I now feel led me on for a month only to break my heart because he's not ready for this sort of commitment even though he came onto me.

Now that our little confrontation is over, I have so many things to say to him.

• I hate how you just expect me to break your heart without giving us a chance.
• Why do we have to put any sort of label on what we are? We had a good thing going and it sucks that you're throwing it all away because you don't think you'd be a good boyfriend for me.
• I feel like you're doing this just to have some sort of sexual freedom. I get that, college experience or whatever, but then you shouldn't have led me on like this.
• I stepped out of my comfort zone completely. From the start I was hesitant but I took a chance anyways. Why can't you?
  
• Why couldn't you have just told me you didn't want a relationship and tell me things were going too fast and that you were scared of heartbreak, rather than end this all together. I'm understanding, you know that. From the very beginning I said I wanted to take it slow. You KNEW I wanted more than anything to just take it slow, whatever we had going.
  
• Why couldn't you have just talked to me about this? We had no trouble talking about anything before.
  
• You never even asked me what I wanted. You just decided for us.
  
• You're doing this because you're afraid of being hurt, but what about me? You're hurting me so much right now so you don't have to be hurt in the long run. But better me than you, right?
  
• You just cut me out of your life. How can you expect us to just be friends after this? You want to still get together but not BE together? You can just do that? Sorry, but I don't think I can.
• As much as I wish I'd listened to my head from the beginning and not get involved or attached, I'm glad I had this sort of experience so I can try to avoid it next time. Always go with your gut feeling, I guess.
• If you don't like me anymore, just tell me so I can move on. Don't give me this crap about how you still care about me.
  
• Paolo and Rachel. Just like I'd said.

Right after it happened I kept saying to myself how he messed up and if he expects me to wait for him than he's very mistaken. But I just can't stop thinking about it now and I feel like I want to give him another chance. That he just made a mistake and he doesn't really want to let me go. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep because I have way too much on my mind. I can't stop crying and it's just giving me an awful headache. There are only a couple people who know how I feel and everyone else just doesn't get it.
"It didn't even last a month" and "You didn't even know him" and "You guys werent even dating"
I'm so grateful for those who are understanding, it makes it better. Some just think I'm exaggerating and being a drama queen but I'm not. Oh hey, mom, I did meet him more than three times and we had a connection I didn't want to let you in on until we actually were official. But since he ended it before anything could happen, it seems like I'm heartbroken over a crush when it was so much more than that.
No, I don't believe I was in love, but this is probably the closest i've ever been to it.

I just don't know how to handle this or myself. It's killing me and I just don't know what to do.

Things will get better with time but right now it just really really sucks.